My children have been arguing, bickering, yelling, and getting frustrated with each other more often recently. I am usually pretty good at predicting when a conflict might arise between them, like if they have been spending too much time together … Continue reading
I feel like we are entering a clearing, in a few weeks my children will turn seven and five. Five was a turning point for my daughter and looks to be shaping up similarly for my son. Parenting small children is a whirlwind of stage after stage, milestone after milestone, with little time to stop and take stock of how it’s going. Parenting a baby. Parenting a toddler. Parenting a preschooler. One right after another with different needs, tricks, and challenges. Now we stand ready to parent kids. Just kids.
Now that we can see past the next urgent stage, I have been thinking more about parenting as a long term process and not just a day to day attempt at keeping everyone alive and relatively well. Maybe it is the teacher in me, but backwards planning my parenting feels totally logical and a bit insane all at the same time. For non-educators what I mean by backwards planning is the idea that I should look at who I want my kids to be as adults and let that inform my parenting now.
This type of parenting is often seen in the extremes, hyper-tiger-mothers that say brain surgeon or bust or the willful stage parents with stars in their eyes and dollar signs above their kid’s head. That is not the type of planning I am talking about. I do not wish to dictate what my children will do as careers or their political beliefs or how they will love. I do, however, wish to do my best to set my children up for being functional adults. Adults able to care for themselves and others. Adults that can handle life’s challenges. Adults that have a strong sense of self and purpose regardless of what that may be.
I know that sounds all well and good, but what does that look like? Here is what I am thinking.
1. Acknowledge that we are raising future adults. It is very easy to think about parenting a five year old in preparation for a six year old. It takes a bit more awareness to remember, regularly, that this is a process of transitioning from dependent child to interdependent adult. That every single day we are progressing towards that reality whether we acknowledge it or not. Whether we are fostering the transition or stifling it, time keeps on chugging along. I think this awareness will also help me appreciate the present a bit more, knowing that it is fleeting.
2. Raise awareness of our own baggage. Despite growing up in a lovely stable home with two adoring parents, I still have issues handed down from my family. We are fairly classic WASPs, in that anything unpleasant needs a few glasses of wine and hours to tease out the truth. I am totally aware of this issue. I know that I could easily carry that torch with my own children or allow the pendulum to swing too far in the opposite direction. The awareness piece allows me seek out a middle ground; to find resources and advice about how to communicate effectively with my kids within boundaries. *This is an on-going process, but I will share any great stuff I find in case you fall into a similar boat*
3. Stick with our parenting philosophy. I truly believe in my heart that a Montessori parenting philosophy will help me raise functional adults. I think you must have that belief in any parenting philosophy or guidelines that you choose to follow in order to get the outcome you want. I also fully acknowledge that Montessori isn’t the only way to produce functional adults. But it feels right to me, which is why it is my parenting philosophy to begin with. It also creates a default. A place to go when life throws you curve balls. It doesn’t mean being inflexible or unwilling to say something isn’t working. It does mean having a perpetual “sniff test”. A space to ask “WWMMD?” (What would Maria Montessori Do?) It allows for a “why” behind family decisions which bolsters my confidence and ability to stick to my guns on the important things.
This parenting stuff isn’t easy, but looking at it in the context of raising future adults actually makes it feel more exciting. I get to gift the world with two awesome people that make life a little bit more rad for being in it.
Side Note: My 2nd Blogiversary is coming up on October 27th. I have set a goal of 7,000 page views and 100 Facebook likes by that date. You can help make that happen by “liking” my Facebook page if you haven’t already (www.facebook.com/whiningisclosed) and sharing your favorite posts with like-minded friends and family! Thank you!
Welcome to those of you that have found your way here after attending or hearing about my parent education presentation from Friday.
Attached you will find the PowerPoint and below that are links to some of the referenced posts from yesterday!
Preparing the Kitchen Environment:
Preparing the Environment Around the House:
Integrating Montessori Language and Actions at Home:
My children have helped pack their own school (or daycare!) lunches for about two years. It has always been a small, daily way to build practical life skills. Now that they are 4 and 6, they are expected to pack their lunches with little to no intervention from an adult. They are able to accomplish this goal for the following reasons: We have carefully prepared the environment of our kitchen to allow them total freedom within the set limits, we have invested in a few tools to increase their independence in food preparation, and we have streamlined the process over the last two year.
I believe it is important to teach my children what to pack in their lunch and provide only food that is acceptable for our family as choices. I want them to have total freedom to decide what “snacks” to pack and therefore have to make sure I am only buying things I am okay with them consuming.
A properly packed lunch in our house must contain one thing from each category:
- A “Main Dish”: this is a term we use to mean something with protein like a sandwich, pretzels and hummus, apples and peanut butter, etc.
- A fruit
- 2 “snacks”: cheese, yogurt, raisins, nuts, applesauce, etc.
- A drink
These limits allow the kids to chose what they want to eat without ending up with a lunchbox full of cereal bars.
The Prepared Kitchen
We designate two shelves of the pantry and the lowest shelves of the refrigerator for lunch supplies and food. This means that the kids never have to ask for help in making their food selections. The set-up also helps facilitate snack time and if the kids need water throughout the day.
This is a picture of the lowest drawer in our pantry. It houses all of the kids’ lunch and snack supplies.
One of the main lessons learned came after I observed a Children’s House lunch period in the cafeteria. I watched the poor lunch monitors zooming from kid to kid helping them open various parts of their lunch. It was then that I decided to make sure my kids could access every part of their lunch without the teacher’s help. This is why we switched to using the Ziploc containers and remove all excess packaging during the packing process. The next lesson is that my kids are totally capable of packing their lunches, but when I hover too much or nag too much they ask me to do much more for them. If I am hovering in the morning, all of the sudden I am being asked to open the peanut butter jar or slice apples which didn’t seem to be an issue for them the day before. I also push myself to say “no” when asked for help. I want to make sure that they have attempted the action before stepping in. Most of the time they surprise themselves by being able to complete the task.
Lunch preparation is an important part of our day. Yes, it takes time and a bit of effort, but the payoff is huge!
A note: If you are concerned with time in the mornings, I recommend having children pack their lunches the evening before.
It’s that time of year again, Back to School! A time to reflect on the previous year and renew focus on the upcoming year. We had a great deal of success with our resolutions from last year. I am happy to report that eating breakfast as a family has become routine, our clutter has remained low, screen-time is lower and outdoor time is higher! By focusing on a few manageable goals for the school year we were able to see results without a ton of effort. I have decided to make this an annual exercise for our family and am excited to share our resolutions for this school year.
New School Year Resolutions 2014-2015:
- Keep up our Schedule System: Our summer schedule system has been enormously successful with the kids. They absolutely love it! This year the kids will be picked up by the babysitter three days a week and by a parent two days a week. This type of tag-team pick up routine could become disastrous if we can’t keep it consistent between the three of us! The schedule will be that consistent thread that transcends day and adult. I made two additional cards to add to our line-up one for school and one for homework.
- Reducing MY Screen Time: My husband and I do not watch TV when the kids are awake, unless it is football season :). When we reduced the kids’ screen time I became aware of my phone use around them. I am committing to staying off my phone evenings before they go to bed and during most awake times on the weekend.
- Focusing on the Wonder and Joy of Learning: My oldest will be in the 1st grade this school year. I am very excited for her to join a new community and challenge herself academically. I am not so excited about her venturing into a more “serious” academic world and ever closer to state standardized tests. It is not that I don’t agree with serious academics or testing. (I have much more of a complicated relationship with them, more on that in a later post). It is more that I know too much. Working in education and diving into student data regularly switches my brain into analysis and intervention mode too quickly. I go from looking at a score sheet to asking, “how can we improve this score?” I DO NOT want to do that to my own children. I have to make a conscious effort to not analyze score sheets and report cards. I plan to just look at the materials to make sure that there is not cause for concern or alarm and then quickly shred them. Yep, shred them. That’s how little I trust myself. One of the main reasons we chose Montessori is that joy and curiosity is encouraged in the classroom. I do not want to kill that vibe at home. I want to be aware of the questions I might ask my oldest about school. Instead of, “Which work(s) did you do today?” I will try, “Teach me something fun/exciting/interesting that you learned or discovered today.” I know this will actually be a challenge for me. I look forward to learning better ways to encourage wonder and joy of learning.
I am excited to put these resolutions into action. Have a great school year everybody! Leave a Comment: What are your New School Year Resolutions?
One of my favorite things in the whole world is when I am doing research for my job working with adolescents and something resonates so clearly and appropriately to my parenting that it feels almost serendipitous! That is what happened within the first 20 pages of “Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings” by Kenneth R. Ginsburg. Obviously the book is about all ages and stages of children but I began reading it specifically for the teen sections, however the applicable content for my own 1st and 2nd plane children is too much to ignore!
For six months I had been struggling to write a post about self-esteem and confidence in Montessori children. The primary focus of “Building Resilience” was succinctly laid out and was exactly what I was trying to put into words: Competence leads to Confidence. When children are competent in a task or ability then they have true confidence. Confidence is different than self esteem. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves at any given moment. As an adult I find my self-esteem fluctuates depending on arbitrary things like a fresh pimple on my chin or a particularly flattering outfit. I am, however, confident at my job. I have proven my competence at many areas of my work and that gives me confidence to show up and do my job even with that pimple!
One of the many things I love about Montessori education is that Montessori teachers treat every student as competent. The thoughtful way the classroom is setup is specifically done for students to gain competence. The confidence then follows suit.
I often joke that my children certainly don’t have self esteem problems when they engage in conversations with adults, but that is inaccurate. What strangers and friends are seeing is their confidence. I attribute this confidence to their Montessori education and our Montessori-based parenting philosophy. They know deep in their hearts that they are competent and capable beings and it shows.
How can parents grow children’s confidence through the lens of competence?
- Creating a home environment that allows children to complete daily tasks with little to no adult intervention. Examples included here and here.
- Communicating with children with dignity and the assumption of competence. Example “I know you know what to do before bedtime. Let me know if you need any help.”
- Consciously shutting down fear-based parenting. More on that here.
As a parent I finally feel like I am getting the lay of the land of the second plane with my six and a half year old daughter. I am decoding what it means for her (and me!) and who she is becoming in this new plane. It has led to several eye opening moments and a few frustrating ones as well.
Here’s what I’ve observed so far:
I have been blown away by my daughter’s creativity lately. Her brain definitely seems to be visualizing and conceptualizing things in a new way. The other day she was in her room folding paper in various shapes which led to putting the shapes together to make a house which led to making things for the house like little plates with food and a TV showing the World Cup. It was awesome to witness and so fun to hear what she had added when she came into the living room to give updates.
Another thing that is so great is how she has become “kid funny”. She now enjoys the time honored tradition of bad kid jokes.
Bad kid joke example:
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
She has told jokes and then literally slapped her knee and chuckled. It is awesome to remember at some point I also liked knock-knock jokes and a good pun. The innocence of the humor is so much fun to relive through her eyes. It is a nice reminder that kids are still kids even in our current times.
There were a few things that I knew about the 2nd plane from general Montessori reading and curriculum that I was interested to see in my own child. One of those things was the idea of research. Most people know that kids are naturally curious and prone to ask ‘why’, but Montessori encourages the child to find out the why with as little adult intervention as possible.
My husband and I have tried to prepare our home environment to encourage research in a few ways. One of the ways is to deflect the ‘why’ back at the child. I will respond to her “why” questions with “why do you think…” I find that she usually has an answer and then we can have a better discussion about the topic at hand or find the answer together. Another way we encourage research is to have a few resources handy. I found out that a few awesome atlases were on the bargain table at Barnes and Noble and snatched up a world atlas and a body atlas. These two books have been enormously helpful in encouraging both curiosity and independent research. For example, a dear friend of ours was moving to Israel. We looked together at the world atlas to discover where Israel was in relation to our house. We talked about how he would have to get to Israel from Houston and if he would be able to visit regularly. Both of my children like to just peruse the atlases. I would really like to get a space atlas to add to our little collection.
Another thing I had read about and was excited to observe is the emergence of the ethical self. The idea that the child is trying to figure out what is fair and ethical in our culture and society. I noticed that my daughter was tattling on her brother more frequently and the phrase “that’s not fair” has come up more than once this summer. As parents, my husband and I have to continue on our consistent path. Tattling is a non-starter in our house and forever will be. I try to be consistent and fair in my parenting and when its not possible like when one child is invited to a birthday party and the other is not, I try to explain the reasons as efficiently and without drama as possible.
In this context I am using ugly in a very southern way, not as an appearance but as an action. And boy has my daughter has been acting ugly recently! She has unmistakably entered the “Age of Rudeness” as Maria Montessori coined it. My sweet kindergartner is gone and replaced by a blunt direct kid. This article by Maren Schmidt certainly helped give me perspective. Yes it is normal. Yes she is exerting her mental independence and sharing her own unique opinion for the first time. The problem I am having is how do I respond to this normal developmental behavior because it makes me nutty! I can’t bite my tongue when she is being rude and so far calling her out on it isn’t really helping! I also have to be careful in my response because I don’t want her to feel like she can’t share her opinion or speak her mind. I think what I am looking to do is teach tact. So dear readers how do you teach a six year old tact? And how should a parent respond to a child acting ugly?