Money Matters 2.0

We gifted my daughter my hand-me-down Kirsten doll this past Christmas. I have enjoyed seeing a purchase my parent’s made over 20 years ago turn into a great investment in inter-generational joy. When my daughter told me she wanted to purchase Kirsten a backpack stating the exact details of the contents and the exact cost of the purchase I knew we were in new territory when it comes to money. My children have always told me various things that would like to have and we have discussed putting said things on birthday or Christmas lists, but this time was different.

As a child firmly in the second plane of development I knew she understood the concept of saving and delayed gratification, but I wanted to see if she would really follow through with a long term goal. Would she change her mind or waiver on the end product? We set out to test this new drive and push us as a family to think about children earning money in a new way.

I have discussed in the past that my children to do not get paid for chores household expectations. I hold firm to that idea so it was a bit of struggle to think of how she would go about earning money. We decided that she would need to go above and beyond normal expectations to work towards her goal.

We started our money saving journey by finding out how much she already had saved and how much was left to go before reaching her goal. This was a great practical life math lesson and increased her urgency and excitement around her goal.

We used an envelope to track her progress towards her goal. It was a great visual and a dedicated place to keep the money safe.

We used an envelope to track her progress towards her goal. It was a great visual and a dedicated place to keep the money safe.

Things she did to earn money included earning $1 for emptying all of the dishes from the dishwasher for the family and $3 for doing all of the “kid clothes” laundry including putting it in the washer, transferring it to the dryer, folding all of the clothes, and putting them away. The biggest pay day she received was helping her dad build a railing on our deck. This took several days and required her to commit to the project in order to be paid. After two weekends she earned $10 and lots of pride for a job well done.

Building the railing!

Building the railing!

All in all it took her about a month to earn and save enough to meet her goal. We celebrated with a Mommy-daughter date to make the purchase. She was beaming as she handed the cashier her hard earned savings. I look forward to this becoming routine for our family.

Happy with her purchase!

Happy with her purchase!

Montessori Ideas: Real Tools, Real Work

Practical Life for the older child can be challenging. The novelty of the two-year old scrambling eggs or the four-year old doing laundry can be engaging for both parent and child. When thinking about my 7 year old doing these same tasks it falls more into expectation rather than a growth activity.

In order to keep our kids maturing and progressing in Practical Life we must observe their capabilities and be willing to include then in all aspects of family life. My husband is very handy; being very handy has led him to have a long list of to-dos and house projects. Including the kids, ages 5 and 7, in these activities requires more time and more patience but I am proud that they are learning these skills at a young age.

My daughter, age 7, helped my husband build a railing on our deck. She was able to help with measuring and drawing the lines on where to cut. Slow methodical movements were used to show her how to use the saw and then my husband helped her guide the saw to cut. Safety was reiterated many times to emphasize that she was using real tools that could really hurt, but also that with proper precaution building can be very safe

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My son, age 5, took on an age appropriate task of his own. I purchased the MALA tabletop paper holder for the kids to use for art projects. Ikea products are great for building beginners as the instructions are very similar to that of Legos. My son felt confident laying out the pieces and following the instructions with little adult intervention. The small wrench that came with the product (and all Ikea stuff) proved challenging for his little hands so my husband helped him tackle the screws using a drill, again with proper guidance and supervision.

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This beginner DSC_0178projects and skills will likely grow larger in scale as they grow larger in scale challenging both parents and kids to develop more skills and more patience.

Parenting: Knowledge, Skill, or Mindset

During a recent check-in with a colleague (hey, Rhiannon!), she brought up a way of approaching a new task that totally shifted my perspective. All you have to do is start by asking yourself if you need more knowledge, more skill, or a change of mindset. This resonated with me so deeply that I knew I couldn’t keep it just in my professional sphere and needed desperately to move this little mental test to my parenting as well. Now when I am thinking about my parenting and looking at an issue or something I want to work on or implement I ask my self what I am lacking! So simple, yet so effective.

Knowledge is the easiest to acquire when it comes to parenting. We live in an age where information is everywhere. A simple search can find us all the information we can handle and usually much more. Of course, the knowledge acquisition part comes after sifting through all of the information to find the applicable knowledge. I find it helpful to only read articles that fit with my parenting philosophy and not worry about all the rest.  Parenting books are also a great way to gain knowledge. I remember how “How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way” by Tim Selden brought so much knowledge into my world when I was just beginning to discover Montessori. I also love “Simplicity Parenting” and “How to Talk so Kids will Listen & to Listen so Kids will Talk” for increasing my knowledge base and helping me shape my parenting philosophy. I also rely on my networks of fellow parents to provide me with knowledge from their own experiences.

If knowledge is the “what” then skill is the “how”. I am often the most aware of a skill deficiency in my parenting. I know I am not alone as one search of a parenting forum shows that many requests are asking for the “how”. An example might be, how do I get my kids to bed at a decent hour? The knowledge of the importance of sleep is there, but the skill (the implementation of the “how”)is lacking. We gain skill in parenting by trial and error, practice, and the modeling from other parents. The parents of a newborn may fumble with the first few diaper changes, but in a matter of weeks they will be able to change a diaper at 2am in the dark while half asleep. I love to observe other parents. I often take away some phrasing or trick when I observe a parenting moment thus gaining a bit more skill.

Now on to mindset, the most nebulous and the most important in my opinion. My parenting mindset is the “why”. The “why” I seek out the knowledge and skills that I think are best for my kids. The danger of negative or unaligned mindset is I tend to stray from my core beliefs and parenting philosophy, which is to

Build independence within defined boundaries while creating a joyful childhood.

When I approach my kids with a mindset that they can’t do something that they have never been given the chance to try or when I get lazy and boundaries go out the window, a reset of mindset is in order. Having the grounding statement above allows for me to know when my mindset is off.

I am so excited to implement this strategy until it becomes habit. I have the knowledge and mindset to make it happen, now I just need to practice to master the skill!

Where do you go when you want to increase your parenting knowledge? What skills have your picked up from other parents? Have you had a mindset shift lately? Please share your best resources in the comments or on the Whining is Closed Facebook page. 

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Parent Ed: Montessori & Discipline

I recently gave a presentation on Montessori & Discipline for fellow parents at my children’s public Montessori school. I know many people were unable to come to the actual sessions so I wanted to provide the materials for home use.

My main goal for this session was to make it very personal, to think about each parent’s individual child(ren) in order for it to be effective. I have also included the worksheet which helps break down into steps how you might approach a behavior/discipline problem from a more Montessori-inspired way. Please comment if you have questions or want to engage in a discussion on this topic.

Presentation:

Montessori & discipline

Handout:

Montessorianddisciplinehandout

Practical Life Math

My son, age 5, has recently become very excited about math. He is working on golden bead addition at school and is eager to explore all things math related. Listening to Maria and “following the child”, what should we do to encourage this love of math? We could go out and buy math “works” to extend his learning at home, but I am very strongly against doing work outside of school and the work period. We could get flash cards to drill and kill math facts, but that seems to me to be the quickest way to drill and kill a love of math. Instead we decided to focus on math that we encounter in our daily lives, the truly practical life math.

We encouraged and incorporated practical life math in the following ways:

  1. Measuring anything and everything. The kids use a tape measure to help their dad figure out how much molding we need for a house project. They use measuring cups to find 1/4 cup of sugar for pancakes. Measurement is a great active type of math that combines both the tactile experience with brain power needed to make sense of the numbers.
  2. Adding the tip and total at a restaurant. This is by far my favorite thing we started doing. I love to see my son, pen in hand puzzling over the amounts. We work with the kids to figure out how much to tip (doubling the first number of the total) and then how much the total is once the tip is added.

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    Adding up the tab at our favorite Tex Mex place.

  3. Monitoring sports scores. I am a huge college basketball fan, so March has left many games on in our house. We challenged the kids to figure out who is winning and by how much. It is so fun to watch my 7 year old approach this challenge differently than the 5 year old. It is also fun because in basketball the score changes quickly and they have to think fast to keep up!
  4. Telling time. This one is tough because time is still very abstract to both of them. We usually just ask probing questions to get them to think about time. For example: “What time is it? If we need to go to ballet at 4:30, how long do you have to play?” Neither of them get the answer right very often but that leads to a great teachable moment about 60 minutes in an hour and so forth.

I love watching my kids use math in their everyday lives. I hope they continue to love math and see the connection between being independent and using math!

 

Parenting: Revisiting Simplicity

Every six months or so, I pick up and reread (or re-skim) Kim John Payne’s “Simplicity Parenting”. It has easily become my favorite book on parenting and one of the pillars of my parenting philosophy. It resonates with me for two main reasons: it is aspirational and it is practical. It challenges me to be a better parent and actually provides ways to implement the philosophy in practical ways.

Simplicity Parenting

When I first picked up the book in the summer of 2013 it prompted me to set some really great goals for our upcoming school year that proved that small changes can make a big impact in our daily life. I usually pick the book back up when we, as a family, are ‘off’. Usually after the whirlwind of the holidays or if my husband has been traveling a lot for work. It is a home-base for me, to recenter my parenting and realign my actions with what we value as a family. I also really enjoy discovering new points in the book that I may not have gravitated to in prior readings.

Here are some of my take-aways from this go around:

“We may be the architects of our family’s daily lives, but it’s hard to draw blueprints of something that is constantly changing and growing.” pg. 15

This is the forever-needed reminder that parenting is real hard, y’all. It is not static. It is absolutely true that once you get something down or feel confident in one area of parenting, something will change and you may have to go back to square one. This passage reminds me that I am not alone in that feeling and it is a totally normal part of parenting.

In the chapter entitled “Environment”, Payne discusses the negative effects of advertising on our children.

“These messages (advertisements), over time, create both a sense of entitlement, and a false reliance on purchases rather than people to satisfy and sustain us emotionally.” pg. 58

The conclusion, not only re-inspired me to continue to keep my kids away from marketing and advertisements directed at them as much as possible (thanks PBS and Netflix for making that easier), but also pushed me, uncomfortably, to think about my own relationship with entitlement and how advertisements or even social media can play with my sense of worth. 

I am currently in discussion with my husband on whether or not my son, age 5, is ready to play soccer or baseball in a team setting. I had originally placed an “at least wait until Kindergarten” pin in the discussion, which was arbitrary  and therefore not really worth much in the context of this debate. After observation of my son’s skill level I lean toward ‘yes, he is ready’, but based on observation of his need for rhythm in his schedule I lean toward ‘no, not yet’. My son loves to play soccer in the park and at recess. He adores a game of baseball with his dad on weekends. Am I doing him a disservice by not allowing him to play in an organized league? The book shines through right on cue:

“Given ordinary opportunities and encouragement, a truly exceptional talent will surface. But interests–even strong interests and abilities–often burn out when they’re pushed too hard, too fast, too young. The drive toward the exceptional leaves many loves and passions in its wake.” pg. 152

This passage validates my concerns about pushing too soon and reminds me to chill out. If he is to become the next soccer or baseball star he will do so regardless of playing in an organized way in PreK. I also like that he has joy for these sports and do not want to taint that joy so early with a negative experience in organized sports.

I really do love coming back and rediscovering a point or unearthing something new to fit our new stage of life. I take notes in the book’s margins in a different color every time I pick it up. This colorful timeline is a visual reminder of how valuable this book has been to my parenting journey and I look forward to revisiting simplicity in the years to come.

Practical Montessori for the Modern Home

The title of this post also happens to be the subtitle of the blog. While I hope the sentiment is an undercurrent to all of my posts I decided I could be a bit more direct with what “practical” means to me and my family. The intention of this post is to capture parents like myself who love Montessori ideals and perhaps have children in Montessori school but are overwhelmed by where to start. This post is dedicated to those of us that have no desire to homeschool or those who may feel inadequate when a google search returns magazine quality photos of toddlers concentrating deeply in well-appointed and calming environments.

So where to start? How do I create a Montessori home environment and implement a Montessori-inspired parenting style without spending thousands of dollars and needing Montessori certification? To help answer that question we have to boil down some big picture stuff into practical chunks.

Big Picture One: Montessori is a way of being with children. 

In a school environment Montessori is a curriculum, but more importantly it is a way to interact with children. Montessori is not pink towers and red rods. Montessori in the home, especially, is not “works”. It is the understanding and desire to treat your child with respect and work within his/her developmental limits. I love Merry Montessori’s document on the four planes of development. As a parent I focus in on the “Needs of the …Plane”. I have read and reread the description of each plane in order to gain a better understanding of my children. Armed with this information I can adjust my parenting to meet my child’s needs based in developmental science and not my guesswork. So how might I take this information and use it in a practical way? Practical example: My first plane son, 5 years old, has a developmental need for opportunities to communicate. As a parent I can make sure that when I have a conversation with him it is during a calm time of day with limited distractions so he can focus on both the listening and speaking components of communication. This means that I cannot be distracted with my phone or the needs of my other child. Time and space is all you need to fulfill this need. Other examples about how I have adjusted my parenting with my new 2nd plane kid can be found here and here.

Big Picture Two: A properly prepared environment is more important than what we tell a child when directing his/her behavior.

Montessori is all about structure and order. It may look chaotic but that is because we are used to seeing overt adult direction when it comes to children, particularly verbal direction (“Don’t touch that. Do this.”). The prepared environment is one set-up by adults with development and limits taken into consideration. Practical example: Your child is taking too much at snack time? Reduce the amount offered. They maintain the freedom to help themselves, but within the adult set environment.

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Big Picture Three: Fostering developmentally appropriate independence is the primary responsibility of a parent. 

When it comes to Montessori in the home one of the best and easiest ways to foster independence is through every day tasks. This also goes hand in hand with the prepared environment as the environment will allow for the independence. Practical Example: Think about your child’s day from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. Make a list, in your head or on paper, about everything your child needs to do throughout the day. Travel from room to room as you make your list. For every action that your child needs to accomplish, can they do it themselves with no adult intervention? The goal here is to answer “Yes!” to as many tasks as possible.

Example of a morning for my 5 year old:

1. Wake up and get out of bed- yes, bed is appropriate height for him to get in and out of without help. Also appropriate size (twin) for him to make his bed every day without adult help.

2. Turn on his lights in his room- yes, he can reach his lamp, but no he could not turn on his overhead or closet light, so we added a longer chain to his closet light and we added a light extender to his overhead light. Small inexpensive way to build independence.

 

A simple tool that has made a difference in my son's independence.

A simple tool that has made a difference in my son’s independence.

3. Get dressed-yes, all of his clothes are in low baskets that he can reach. A place for his dirty clothes is also accessible.

4. Eat breakfast-yes, plates, cups, and pitcher of milk are all in low cabinets, drawers, and fridge shelves. On days when my husband or I don’t cook breakfast, he can access a bowl of cereal all on his own.

5. Pack his lunch for school-yes, explained in detail in this post.

6. Brush his teeth-yes, a sturdy stool helps him gain access to a tall pedestal sink, toothbrush and paste are all within reach.

7. Grab his backpack and out the door-yes, we keep our backpacks on low hooks.

My son can go an entire morning routine taking care of himself and his needs without adult intervention. This leaves time for conversation at breakfast and me feeling less like a task master.

Montessori is not all or nothing. Practical Montessori is about incorporating big ideas in simple and effective ways that create a calmer, happier child and parent.